Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
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I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?