Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
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How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me recordaron éste meme
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.