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if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
That took me a moment.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?