the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
You Might Also Like
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.