The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
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Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.