Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
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Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Autocarrot sucks!
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
The answer is funnier than the question
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you