bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
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Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Sing it!
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body