Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
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it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
inventing words: clothing
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it