is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
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My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.