I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
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I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I saw nothing
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Weighing up my bread heating options
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page