House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
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[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.