Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
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when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”