My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
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“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
mom had nothing to worry about
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.