Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
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me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
You got this…
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.