I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
You Might Also Like
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
You are what you delete.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.