British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
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[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Just as the prophecy foretold
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.