You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
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Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.