WTF IS THAT!
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Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
My Plans 2020
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?