Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
You Might Also Like
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
so this horse walks into a bar
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.