I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
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Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.