[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
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A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school