You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
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Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.