There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
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wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry