Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
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Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’