wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
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Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
cyclists
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them