Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
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I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.