She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Put this video in the Louvre
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol