Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
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I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I did not eat the cake…
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.