Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
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[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO