Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
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Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
*pokes sex life with a stick
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
#NoRestForTheWicked
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If you love someone, let them sleep.