[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
You Might Also Like
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Wait a second…
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My zodiac sign is pistachio
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Not today, today.
Not today.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.