WHAT SIGN IS SHE
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Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.