Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
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Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
The government even made aliens boring
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Me, flirting😏
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying