I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
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You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”