Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
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The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip