The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
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The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
My Plans 2020
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Seems kinda suspicious
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing