#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
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I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
They’re stuck in your pants?
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
the three genders
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat