*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
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sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*