Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
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[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.