How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
You Might Also Like
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump