Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
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me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Yes, but it was never about money
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Jogging
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.