I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
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“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.