Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
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Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My purse is deeper than some people.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
#SCOTUS one-star review
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer