Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
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Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
broke down and did it
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.