I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
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[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I think about this a lot
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t