Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
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The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
time for some seasonal decor
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.