Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here