*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please