9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
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Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
*seductively peels off lederhosen
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE