*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Wait a minute…
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Sign at work today
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Simple enough.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.