*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
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Real House Wines.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
“felt cute might delete later lolz”